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Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

  1. My Secret Anxiety

    May 6, 2010 by elfqueen

    This pregnancy was different than the others.  I was consider high risk because of my age and had to get a lot of extra tests that I hadn’t had to do for my previous pregnancies, and they all indicated that everything was going well and the the baby was healthy.  But there was the episodes of spotting, and some minor pain that went along with it.

    And the falling.

    As my pregnancy progressed the falling seemed to increase.  I grew more and more concerned.  Why was I such a klutz.  This couldn’t be healthy for the baby!  It didn’t seem to be causing any harm though, and all of my checkups were normal.

    Did I mention that I was seeing a new OB/Gyn.  She was pretty nice, but I had been seeing the same doctor previous to her for 10 years.  He had delivered my last three babies.  I trusted him.  Losing him took something away from the whole experience.  That sense of peace and comfort was just not there.

    The new office was bigger and the wait was always long.  My new OB/Gyn felt more like one of those cattle call offices.  Not a fan of cattle call offices- whether it’s a doctor or a dentist!

    I was well into my pregnancy when I seriously considered changing, but felt it was too far in and probably woudn’t be a good idea.  It wasn’t really that anything was wrong, I just didn’t feel like I was important, or that I was the center of attention, like my previous OB/Gyn had made me feel.

    I decided to stay with the current doctor and that it would probably be fine.  This wasn’t my first time anyhow.  I knew everything to expect and there weren’t any questions or anything, so what did I care who did the delivery.  My last three babies were less than 2-3 hours of labor each with absolutely NO complications.  I was pretty good at having babies by now!

    At 28 weeks, I spotted again.  This time when I called the doctor they told me to go straight to the hospital.  I did, but after several hours was sent home because there was no evidence that I was in labor, and it was not continuing.  My husband and I had been intimate and they figured that had been the cause.

    I have to tell you – I felt serious concerns regarding my pregancy.  From the beginning, I had felt a strange sense of dread.  I thought to myself with each pregnancy, that the odds of my complicatons or of something being wrong with the baby increased each time I got pregnant.

    I had already had four uneventful pregnancies and four beautiful, healthy babies.  What were the chances of there being no problems in another.  Kind of a sick way of thinking I guess, but in truth, that was my secret anxiety!

    I was sent home amidst my fears and cautioned to rest and take it easy.  Let me remind you I had five kids.  Easier said than done!

    Category Family | Tags: ,, | No Comments

  2. Numbers 6:24-26

    May 6, 2010 by elfqueen

    Happy To Be Home!

    The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:

    The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

    The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. 

    Numbers 6:24-26

    Those are the words I spoke to my 15 year old son this morning as I held his face in my hands and blessed him in the name of the Lord.  We were in the car getting ready to drive to the courthouse, where his public defender had warned us he was looking at 45 days incarceration in Juvenile Hall if he accepted the deal in his assault charge.  

    My son had told me he didn’t need me to bless him, but I argued otherwise. 

    Fighting back tears as I held his face, looking in his eyes, I could see it.  This was just what he needed.  God used me to accomplish something amazing this morning.  I had to step out of my comfort zone-humble myself.  I love that boy and I don’t want him to go to jail. 

    I prayed for God’s will this morning and I blessed my son. I know that it was a comfort to him and I told him that God would watch over him no matter what the outcome of the hearing.

    Well guess what?  My son did not go to juvenile hall today!  He has been set for trial and they have postponed it for a month.  Giving him an opportunity to show that maybe he can turn things around and doesn’t need incarceration.  He will get formal probation in any case. 

    I want him to have probation and be accountable for his crime.  I just don’t know if being locked up away from his family will help him. 

    At this time, it must not be in God’s plan for my son to be in juvenile hall and that makes this mother very happy! 

    Praise God!

    A big thank you to all my friends and family who have been praying for my son and my family!

    Category Family | Tags: ,,,, | No Comments

  3. One more time

    May 4, 2010 by elfqueen

    If you’ve been reading the other posts in this series, you know that I have four sons.  I have learned something from all of my sons, but one of them has taught me more than all of the others.  My youngest son was born five years after the last one.  My husband and I went back and forth for some time and finally agreed we would like to have one more baby.  By this time our two oldest children are in Jr. High and we have a 2nd grader, 1st grader and another about to start kindergarten.  We bought a van that would seat 6 and we were ready!  This was my first truly planned pregnancy.  I was looking forward to another baby!

    Looking back, there were signs.  I started spotting early.  I hadn’t even had my first doctor’s appointment when it began.  I was on vacation and called the doctor to get advice because in all of my previous pregnancies I had never had any problems.  This was new to me and a little scary.  The nurse told me to take it easy and if it got worse or persisted, to call back or go to the emergency room.  I rested that afternoon and the bleeding stopped.  I continued with my vacation and had no further problems prior to my first checkup. 

    A couple more months into my pregnancy, I spotted again.  This time I was really frightened.  I was about 5 months pregnant and it was the second time during this pregnancy. I called the doctor and again was advised to go home and stay off my feet for the rest of the day.  If it persisted, I was welcome to call back and schedule a visit with the doctor.  I went home (I was at work) and went right to bed.  I believe I stayed home the next day as well just to be safe.

    Dressed for Work (safety orange and boots) Andy at 4 yrs.

     I need to mention something else.  I fell a LOT during this pregnancy.  I don’t really know why.  I would be walking along and then just fall.  Almost as if I had twisted my ankle.  My ankles just gave out I guess.  I hadn’t really gained a lot of weight-about 40 lbs total. Although that was more than I had with my four previous pregnancies. 

    I should also point out that this was my most enjoyable pregnancy (aside from the seeming medical issues).  I was approaching 40, and I think that the stress of weight gain, etc. just didn’t bother me this time.  I was fairly financially secure and was able to eat how I liked, dress how I liked, and with my kids being a little older, I was able to rest often as well.  I was happy.  I knew this was my last time and I really enjoyed myself and the growing baby.

    It  was my best and worst pregnancy.

    Category Family | Tags: ,, | No Comments

  4. Another brother?

    April 19, 2010 by elfqueen

    Shortly after the birth of my second son, I met a man. He was a nice man and didn’t really seem to have any hang ups.

    Apparently he liked me and he moved in with me when my youngest son was only a couple months old. We lived together for several months and quickly became engaged.

    It was at this point that I became pregnant. Unfortunately, this man had a burning desire to join the army, and as he was quickly approaching the upper age limit (27 years old), and his test scores were such, that when the Army offered him a temporary waiver for the test and and a spot in the infantry, he just couldn’t pass up this once in a lifetime chance.

    What he didn’t count on was my reluctance to quit my 5 year job with the County and to leave my entire family and move to OKLAHOMA for goodness sakes! For the infantry! Not too smart.

    He got the news in December and I dropped him off with the recruiter at the end of February. I did NOT look back. Our daughter was four months old.

    I can’t wait to tell you about my daughter. I have had comments asking about her and I will have plenty to say about her, you can count on it. But this is a story about brothers.

    At this point in my life I found myself with an 8 year old son from my first marraige, a 2 year old son born out of wedlock, and now, a 4 month old daughter also born out of wedlock. If you hadn’t guessed, the wedding between HER father and I was O-F-F!

    I should probably tell you this. My daughter’s father really did believe he would be able to talk me into coming to Oklahoma after he finished his basic training. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

    About this time, an old friend from high school starts hanging around. Not just any old friend. It is the same guy I dated after my first son was born.

    This is a guy that was my best buddy all through High School. We grew up on the same street. I met him when he moved to our town in 8th grade at the morning bus stop (as mentioned in previous post). That is another story of it’s own!

    Long story, but here’s important part-he proposed to me within a couple of months. There is one stipulation. He wants another child. Let me tell you this-He has a seven year old daughter from his first marraige. I have three already – the last two are only 20 months apart. Another baby? Is he crazy? You bet he is.

    He wants another son. I agreed. Who’s the crazy one? I will say this-I really, really, really did NOT want to have another baby. I was tired…of being pregnant, of not sleeping through the night, of changing diapers, of making bottles, you get the picture!

    Well, I caved.

    We were married in August and I got pregnant within the month! Lack of birth control might have been the reason. Ya think?

    Another brother?!

    Category Family | Tags: ,, | No Comments

  5. Brothers…

    February 19, 2010 by elfqueen

    I have four sons. Each of these boys are a fascinating study in that species I have come to know as male. I have two sisters and NO Brothers.

    Men have always broken my heart. It began with my father who was divorced from my mother when I was almost six years old. I say almost six because what I remember most about the separation adjustment is the first Christmas he wasn’t home. That was four days before I turned six. The First Christmas without my daddy is a story in itself. I will save it for another time. From what I know of my parent’s difficult relationship, it was my mother who wished for the divorce, not my father.

    Well nevertheless, as with all failed marriages, it is the children who suffer most and I was no exception. I remember visiting my father when my parents were initially separated, but as time passed the visits became less frequent. Even when I did see him, I remember a man who slept a lot and left my care to my grandmother.

    I loved my daddy dearly and when I heard he would be picking me up for a visit I was overcome with excitement and joy! I missed him and spent hours daydreaming about him. I can’t remember anything very specific but I still have the picture in my mind even now of him hugging me as a small girl. Such a comforting and safe place it felt to be in his arms.

    My daddy did not have the same dreams. Even more clearly, I can remember waiting at the door, on the front porch or front lawn, searching the end of the street for the approaching sparkly brown Ford Pinto. I used to love laying in the back looking out the back window at the mountains surrounding the valley I called home. I see the small girl with brown hair sitting for hours waiting for a car that never arrives. What kind of man does that to a sweet little innocent girl. A daddy’s girl. I looved him so much. I still feel the sorrow of that little girl.

    Move forward through poor choices in boyfriends and a failed first marraige to an alcoholic who physically and mentally abused me. The verbal abuse began early on in the relationship, but I could hardly call the six months between the day I met my first husband and the day I married him a relationship. We were both drinking a lot and yes, there was drug use and abuse. It should come as no surprise, given my insecurities and inability to care for myself. The first physical abuse began about a year into the marriage-right around the time I became pregnant with my first child. It wasn’t until my son was 6 months old that I began to seriously consider leaving. Shortly after my son Tyler turned one and I saw him cringe at the sound of his father’s voice, I knew it was time to go.

    Since then I have remarried and Tyler now has THREE brothers … yes let me say again I have FOUR SONS…more to follow.

    Category Family | Tags: ,,, | 3 Comments

  6. Julie and Julia

    January 23, 2010 by elfqueen

    This is kind of all over the place, but I recently watched Julie and Julia. I found it inspiring on many levels. Obviously I was very hungry when the movie was over and the line from the movie that really stuck with me was when Julia realized one of her biggest accomplishments during this year long undertaking was, she “had learned how to cook”. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we are so focused on what we want, that we can’t see the other benefits or blessings around us? Both husbands loved and supported their wives. They encouraged them in whatever endeavors they chose and helped out whenever they could. How lucky these two women were to have such loving and devoted husbands. Finally, each woman felt a need. They were driven to “do” something with themselves and felt their lives were meant to be more than ordinary. Food was their common interest. It was the part of their lives where they found comfort and joy.

    How did they become so successful? It was because they followed their passion. They weren’t content and refused to settle. The husbands validated the women’s efforts, whether it meant paying the tuition at Cordon Bleu or shopping for groceries. Finally, they never gave up. There were times when each woman did not believe they would succeed. The many obstacles seemed too great and they became frustrated. Despite their many difficulties, Julie and Julia never gave up!

    These are some conclusions I’ve come to after watching: I want to learn how to cook, encouraging and supportive spouses(or family and friends) are important, and people…(I) should follow my passion. If we want to find fulfillment in our work and make an attempt at being successful, it needs to be doing something we love. It will be less like work and more like satisfying a need. We might even enjoy it. Who knows what else we might learn along the way.

    I have been struggling a little the last few months over the content of my blog. I am not sure what my theme should be. I think that for now it will be a little of everything. I am trying to rediscover myself so I think that my blog will reflect just that. I am a woman, a Christian, a wife, a mother, an employee, a daughter, a sister and a friend. How I fit into this world is still a bit of a mystery to me. I would like to find my passion. I love so many things that I can’t seem to focus on just one or find the time for all of them. Maybe this will be my journey. To fill my life the best I can with the people and things I love most, while keeping Jesus at the center.

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