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My Secret Anxiety

May 6, 2010 by elfqueen

This pregnancy was different than the others. I was consider high risk because of my age and had to get a lot of extra tests that I hadn’t had to do for my previous pregnancies, and they all indicated that everything was going well and the the baby was healthy. But there was the episodes of spotting, and some minor pain that went along with it.

And the falling.

As my pregnancy progressed the falling seemed to increase. I grew more and more concerned. Why was I such a klutz. This couldn’t be healthy for the baby! It didn’t seem to be causing any harm though, and all of my checkups were normal.

Did I mention that I was seeing a new OB/Gyn. She was pretty nice, but I had been seeing the same doctor previous to her for 10 years. He had delivered my last three babies. I trusted him. Losing him took something away from the whole experience. That sense of peace and comfort was just not there.

The new office was bigger and the wait was always long. My new OB/Gyn felt more like one of those cattle call offices. Not a fan of cattle call offices- whether it’s a doctor or a dentist!

I was well into my pregnancy when I seriously considered changing, but felt it was too far in and probably woudn’t be a good idea. It wasn’t really that anything was wrong, I just didn’t feel like I was important, or that I was the center of attention, like my previous OB/Gyn had made me feel.

I decided to stay with the current doctor and that it would probably be fine. This wasn’t my first time anyhow. I knew everything to expect and there weren’t any questions or anything, so what did I care who did the delivery. My last three babies were less than 2-3 hours of labor each with absolutely NO complications. I was pretty good at having babies by now!

At 28 weeks, I spotted again. This time when I called the doctor they told me to go straight to the hospital. I did, but after several hours was sent home because there was no evidence that I was in labor, and it was not continuing. My husband and I had been intimate and they figured that had been the cause.

I have to tell you – I felt serious concerns regarding my pregancy. From the beginning, I had felt a strange sense of dread. I thought to myself with each pregnancy, that the odds of my complicatons or of something being wrong with the baby increased each time I got pregnant.

I had already had four uneventful pregnancies and four beautiful, healthy babies. What were the chances of there being no problems in another. Kind of a sick way of thinking I guess, but in truth, that was my secret anxiety!

I was sent home amidst my fears and cautioned to rest and take it easy. Let me remind you I had five kids. Easier said than done!

Category Family | Tags: at risk pregnancy,motherhood,pregancy | No Comments
Numbers 6:24-26

May 6, 2010 by elfqueen

Happy To Be Home!

The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:

The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Those are the words I spoke to my 15 year old son this morning as I held his face in my hands and blessed him in the name of the Lord. We were in the car getting ready to drive to the courthouse, where his public defender had warned us he was looking at 45 days incarceration in Juvenile Hall if he accepted the deal in his assault charge.

My son had told me he didn’t need me to bless him, but I argued otherwise.

Fighting back tears as I held his face, looking in his eyes, I could see it. This was just what he needed. God used me to accomplish something amazing this morning. I had to step out of my comfort zone-humble myself. I love that boy and I don’t want him to go to jail.

I prayed for God’s will this morning and I blessed my son. I know that it was a comfort to him and I told him that God would watch over him no matter what the outcome of the hearing.

Well guess what? My son did not go to juvenile hall today! He has been set for trial and they have postponed it for a month. Giving him an opportunity to show that maybe he can turn things around and doesn’t need incarceration. He will get formal probation in any case.

I want him to have probation and be accountable for his crime. I just don’t know if being locked up away from his family will help him.

At this time, it must not be in God’s plan for my son to be in juvenile hall and that makes this mother very happy!

Praise God!

A big thank you to all my friends and family who have been praying for my son and my family!

Category Family | Tags: .,bless our children,blessing,Childhood,motherhood | No Comments
One more time

May 4, 2010 by elfqueen

If you’ve been reading the other posts in this series, you know that I have four sons. I have learned something from all of my sons, but one of them has taught me more than all of the others. My youngest son was born five years after the last one. My husband and I went back and forth for some time and finally agreed we would like to have one more baby. By this time our two oldest children are in Jr. High and we have a 2nd grader, 1st grader and another about to start kindergarten. We bought a van that would seat 6 and we were ready! This was my first truly planned pregnancy. I was looking forward to another baby!

Looking back, there were signs. I started spotting early. I hadn’t even had my first doctor’s appointment when it began. I was on vacation and called the doctor to get advice because in all of my previous pregnancies I had never had any problems. This was new to me and a little scary. The nurse told me to take it easy and if it got worse or persisted, to call back or go to the emergency room. I rested that afternoon and the bleeding stopped. I continued with my vacation and had no further problems prior to my first checkup.

A couple more months into my pregnancy, I spotted again. This time I was really frightened. I was about 5 months pregnant and it was the second time during this pregnancy. I called the doctor and again was advised to go home and stay off my feet for the rest of the day. If it persisted, I was welcome to call back and schedule a visit with the doctor. I went home (I was at work) and went right to bed. I believe I stayed home the next day as well just to be safe.

Dressed for Work (safety orange and boots) Andy at 4 yrs.

I need to mention something else. I fell a LOT during this pregnancy. I don’t really know why. I would be walking along and then just fall. Almost as if I had twisted my ankle. My ankles just gave out I guess. I hadn’t really gained a lot of weight-about 40 lbs total. Although that was more than I had with my four previous pregnancies.

I should also point out that this was my most enjoyable pregnancy (aside from the seeming medical issues). I was approaching 40, and I think that the stress of weight gain, etc. just didn’t bother me this time. I was fairly financially secure and was able to eat how I liked, dress how I liked, and with my kids being a little older, I was able to rest often as well. I was happy. I knew this was my last time and I really enjoyed myself and the growing baby.

It was my best and worst pregnancy.

Category Family | Tags: marriage,motherhood,pregnancy | No Comments
Have Your (Cup)Cake…!

April 26, 2010 by elfqueen

So last week, my very funny 13 year old daughter asked me if she could bake a cake. I told her to go ahead and she pulled a cake mix from the pantry. We didn’t have frosting in the pantry, because since I have taken cake decorating classes, I always make my frosting from scratch. I told her she was going to need some frosting and that I would help her make some. She is so cute; she asked me what she needed frosting for. I told her she needed it to hold the cake together. It seemed like such a silly question, I really didn’t how to answer it.

She mixed up the batter pulled out my giant cupcake cake pan. She assured me that this was the pan she wanted to use and I thought, “what the heck, I’ll just let her have fun!”. I had a meeting to attend and after helping her divide the batter into the two sides of the giant cupcake, I instructed her to put it in the oven and set the timer. I hadn’t had time to make the frosting, so I told her we could make it when I returned home from my meeting.

When I got home, she had already cooled the cake and needed some help leveling it before assembly. I wish I had taken pictures at this point. I started the buttercream frosting and showed her how to make it. We finished the buttercream and she wanted to color it, choosing maroon food coloring.

Once it was mixed in, we found the frosting spatulas-no small task!. My kids take turn doing the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, etc. and each one has their own special place for all of my cooking tools! Of course I NEVER know where that place may be!

My daughter began frosting the middle layer of the cake which only took a very small portion of the frosting. Anyhow, after frosting the middle layer, she plopped the top of the giant cupcake on and grabbed a bottle of sprinkles. She was generously dousing the giant cupcake with sprinkles-sans frosting!

I held my tongue, it was her cake after all. I figured she just wanted some extra sugar! Well after that she grabbed the knife and was about to start cutting into the cake when I grabbed her hand and said, “Hey, wait a minute! What about the frosting? Aren’t you gonna finish it?” She looked at me with disappointment and told me, “I don’t really want frosting on it.” “What?!” Well, why the heck didn’t you tell me that before I made all of that buttercream frosting?” I asked her.

“Because you said I needed it to hold the cake together!” was her answer.

Sierra's giant cupcake

So there you have it. Anybody need some maroon buttercream frosting?

Category Family | Tags: | No Comments
Another brother?

April 19, 2010 by elfqueen

Shortly after the birth of my second son, I met a man. He was a nice man and didn’t really seem to have any hang ups.

Apparently he liked me and he moved in with me when my youngest son was only a couple months old. We lived together for several months and quickly became engaged.

It was at this point that I became pregnant. Unfortunately, this man had a burning desire to join the army, and as he was quickly approaching the upper age limit (27 years old), and his test scores were such, that when the Army offered him a temporary waiver for the test and and a spot in the infantry, he just couldn’t pass up this once in a lifetime chance.

What he didn’t count on was my reluctance to quit my 5 year job with the County and to leave my entire family and move to OKLAHOMA for goodness sakes! For the infantry! Not too smart.

He got the news in December and I dropped him off with the recruiter at the end of February. I did NOT look back. Our daughter was four months old.

I can’t wait to tell you about my daughter. I have had comments asking about her and I will have plenty to say about her, you can count on it. But this is a story about brothers.

At this point in my life I found myself with an 8 year old son from my first marraige, a 2 year old son born out of wedlock, and now, a 4 month old daughter also born out of wedlock. If you hadn’t guessed, the wedding between HER father and I was O-F-F!

I should probably tell you this. My daughter’s father really did believe he would be able to talk me into coming to Oklahoma after he finished his basic training. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

About this time, an old friend from high school starts hanging around. Not just any old friend. It is the same guy I dated after my first son was born.

This is a guy that was my best buddy all through High School. We grew up on the same street. I met him when he moved to our town in 8th grade at the morning bus stop (as mentioned in previous post). That is another story of it’s own!

Long story, but here’s important part-he proposed to me within a couple of months. There is one stipulation. He wants another child. Let me tell you this-He has a seven year old daughter from his first marraige. I have three already – the last two are only 20 months apart. Another baby? Is he crazy? You bet he is.

He wants another son. I agreed. Who’s the crazy one? I will say this-I really, really, really did NOT want to have another baby. I was tired…of being pregnant, of not sleeping through the night, of changing diapers, of making bottles, you get the picture!

Well, I caved.

We were married in August and I got pregnant within the month! Lack of birth control might have been the reason. Ya think?

Another brother?!

Category Family | Tags: marriage,motherhood,parenthood | No Comments
The Ten? Essentials

April 17, 2010 by elfqueen

Do you like to hike? My 11 year old son went camping with his boy scout troop this weekend. The troop is fantastic! They are very active and plan campouts regularly.

The last one was at a lighthouse north of San Francisco.

Marin County Lighthouse

This month they are staying at the Boy Scout Camp here in the Mil Portrero Campground on The Sierra Madre in The Los Padres National Forest.

California Poppies In the Los Padres National Forest

For those of you who like to camp or are maybe thinking about maybe taking a hike with this beautiful spring weather upon us, I thought I would include the Boy Scout Ten Essentials for Backpacking. (The list is longer than 10!)

Los Padres Hiker

My son must always pack all of these items in a backpack and include them when packing for his scout campouts. It is really quite useful information and everyone should think about including these items when hiking, backpacking and/or camping.

Have fun!

Andy and his backpack

POCKET KNIFE/TOTIN? CHIP
FIRST AID KIT
EXTRA CLOTHING
RAIN GEAR
SNOW GEAR
WATER BOTTLE
FLASHLIGHT
TRAIL FOOD
MATCHES/FIRESTARTER
SUN PROTECTION
CHAP STICK
MAP
COMPASS
SLEEPING BAG
INSECT REPELLENT

A little sidenote: I know that there are many lists out there that vary somewhat. Feel free to comment and add whatever you feel should be added or that which is important to you and you feel should be included. This is just the basic list I copied from my son’s Boy Scout Camporall packet.

Photos 1 & 4 Jeff Heinle. Photos 2 & 3 fs.usda.gov

Category Activities, Family | Tags: backpacking,camping,hiking,survival | 1 Comment
Happy Easter!

April 5, 2010 by elfqueen

Today was quite a day. It started out this morning with Easter Sunday Service. I had to be there at 8 a.m. for rehearsal for the Handbell Choir. I was up late last night cooking for Brunch this morning, but it was probably a good thing because I was too tired to be nervous. Here is a picture of the bells.

Handbell Choir at Calvary Bible Church

The service was beautiful and even though I made mistakes, my husband assures me we sounded wonderful and that he couldn’t tell at all. Isn’t he great? We played at the first service, which I don’t usually attend, because I attend Sunday School first service and then the second, Contemporary Service. Several people who I have never met approached me and told me how much they enjoyed the bells so my husband must have been telling the truth.

Afterwards, I ran home and met my sister to finish cooking our brunch. It was divine. Here is the Grave Lax.

Grav Lax Canapes

And the Quiche Lorraine.

Finished Quiche Lorraine

Finally the Orange Glazed Ham.

Orange Glazed Ham

And one last time-the Fruit Tart!

Fruit Tart

Well we had a wonderful day and lots of family over to visit. All of the food was a hit.
Not to mention celebrating the greatest day!

Category Family, Foodie | Tags: church,Easter,Easter brunch,family,holiday | 3 Comments
Easter Brunch-Cooking with my Sis

April 4, 2010 by elfqueen

So I tried to cook my piecrusts today after a big failure last night. This is the first time I used rice as pie weights and I didn’t really like it. The rice stuck to the crust. I needed two crusts-one for the Quiche Lorraine and one for the Fruit Tart. The two I made last night were terrible. I think that I didn’t blend the butter well enough. Instead of the regular pie dish I used last night, I bought a quiche tin and a tart tin from Williams Sonoma today. (I’ve reached my limit for my weekly spending money allowance!)

I baked a tart and a quiche crust again today. This time I use garbanzo beans instead of rice. Worked much better. I felt these crusts were more successful. When looking at the pictures now, I can see I needed to press the pastry into the ridges in the side of the tart pan

We also made the Fruit Tart. My sister brought over the Pastry Cream she made last night.

We paddled it in the mixer and poured it into the tart crust.

Here is the finished Fruit Tart. It is beautiful!!

Oh yeah-we also made stuffed mushrooms.

I don’t have a food processor and my sister forgot to bring hers. When my husband heard, he offered to go to Walmart and buy a cheap blender/processor combo with HIS weekly spending money. Isn’t he a sweetheart?!

Here is what all the ingredients for the strawberry vinaigrette looked like inside the food processor.

Well I finished up with the orange glaze and ham after she left and I still need to do the canapes with the Gravelax. Tomorrow we will pop the mushrooms in the oven, finish up with the home fries, put together the salad and reheat the ham and the quiche.

We don’t even know for sure who will show up for brunch tomorrow, but it really doesn’t matter. We had a really fun. Thanks to Cafe Med and their cooking class, not only did we get to try out several new recipes and techniques, we got to spend some quality time together in the kitchen doing something together that we both love-cooking! And for such a joyous occasion!

Category Family, Foodie | Tags: | 3 Comments
Easter Brunch

April 3, 2010 by elfqueen

My sister and I have been planning and preparing for Easter Brunch with our family for weeks. Last month I attended a cooking class at a local restaurant- Cafe Med, and the menu included Easter Brunch fare. The list was quite extensive and we are making nearly all of it excluding the Prime Rib and Eggs Benedict. We just didn’t want to overdo it and were concerned we wouldn’t have the time. I am playing handbells in the Easter Service at my church-Calvary Bible Church on Sunday so we really need to be prepare most of the meal ahead of time. Here is our menu for Sunday Brunch:

Stuffed Mushroom Caps
Ham with Orange Glaze
Quiche Lorraine
Home Fries
Mixed Greens with strawberries, gorgonzola, candied pecans and strawberrie vinaigrette
Home made Gravlax (cured salmon)
Fruit Tart

Yummy!

We did the preliminary planning, and divided up the menu. I did the shopping yesterday as I have been on vacation all week. Bought the groceries at Winco and the total came out to only $80. Gotta love Winco! Well my sister is making the pastry cream tonight and I have been assigned the pie crusts, candied pecans and starting the Homemade Gravlox or cured salmon.

Homemade Gravlox-Cured salmon

The cured salmon takes 24-36 hours and then has to dry so I started it today. I also made the candied pecans. My first attempt didn’t turn out so well! Ooops.

Failed First Attempt

These were made with regular sugar. On my second attempt I used confectioner’s sugar and watched the time a little closer. These look a lot better!

Final Candied Pecans

Saturday we will be getting together to make the Quiche Lorraine, Orange Glaze, Strawberry Vinaigrette, stuffing for the Mushrooms, assemble the Fruit Tart and prep the Home Fries. Since we will have all the kids together we are gonna let them dye easter eggs ($.98/dz also at Winco). I will post on our progress later.

Category Family, Foodie | Tags: Easter,Easter brunch,food | 2 Comments
Bros. cont…

March 14, 2010 by elfqueen

I have four sons. Tyler was born twenty years ago while I was married to my first husband.

As I stated in my previous post, my first husband was verbally and physically abusive. I don’t know why I married him so soon after meeting him. I guess I was just desperate for love. I had finally found someone who “loved” me. Everything was going to be okay. Yea right!

Well anyways, the rest is history. He liked to get drunk and he wasn’t very nice when he did so. I had to make a citizens arrest the first time he hit me. I guess since the cops hadn’t been there to see it, it had to be done by me. The irony of that is, I bailed him out less than 8 hours later!

When Tyler was one I finally left my husband. I was a single mom for several years, although it took me 6 years to finalize the divorce.

During those 6 years I had not one successful relationship. That’s not to say I didn’t try. I just had pretty poor taste in men. I had sworn not to have another alcoholic or abusive relationship. Once around that block had been enough for me.

I just didn’t know how to relate to healthy men. I needed men that needed me. It was the only way I knew how to define love. Men needed fixing. They had proved that to me over and over again.

I dated my current husband during this time as well. Needless to say, our relationship at that time was neither based on trust nor mutual respect and after only a few months ended painfully and abruptly.

Our story had really began at the school busstop one morning during our 8th grade year. That was nearly 20 years ago, but that is a story for another time. I will dedicate a whole series to that one, don’t worry!

It was during this time that I got pregnant. Not the best of circumstances I can tell you. I panicked! What was I gonna do? I would like to say that the father was happy, but not so. I had no boyfriend, let alone a husband. Their was no father so to speak.

With great regret, I have to tell the truth on this subject, I seriously considered my options. I was afraid I couldn’t succeed at being a single mother of two.

How would I do it. I didn’t have a lot of money. Besides what would everyone think? Of course the stigma of a baby with no father, especially considering the lifestyle I was leading, would be devasting. It was the last nail in the coffin of the wretched woman I had become. My selfishness had reached its highest level.

Looking back, I can’t be sure what made me change my attitude. It had to have been God. He chose me to be the parent of this baby and I guess he was determined for me to see it through. I just knew I was going to be in it for the long run.

I sucked it up and faced those around me of whom I was afraid would judge me. My friends, my family, …God. Of course, he already knew. I wasn’t hiding anything from him. Now I had to tell my parents. Gratefully, there were no accusations, only questions as to the fatherhood of this blessing they would call grandson.

Nine months later God blessed me with my second son and I named him Cade.

Category Family | Tags: #parenthood #motherhood #domestic violence | 9 Comments

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