I have four sons. Tyler was born twenty years ago while I was married to my first husband.
As I stated in my previous post, my first husband was verbally and physically abusive. I don’t know why I married him so soon after meeting him. I guess I was just desperate for love. I had finally found someone who “loved” me. Everything was going to be okay. Yea right!
Well anyways, the rest is history. He liked to get drunk and he wasn’t very nice when he did so. I had to make a citizens arrest the first time he hit me. I guess since the cops hadn’t been there to see it, it had to be done by me. The irony of that is, I bailed him out less than 8 hours later!
When Tyler was one I finally left my husband. I was a single mom for several years, although it took me 6 years to finalize the divorce.
During those 6 years I had not one successful relationship. That’s not to say I didn’t try. I just had pretty poor taste in men. I had sworn not to have another alcoholic or abusive relationship. Once around that block had been enough for me.
I just didn’t know how to relate to healthy men. I needed men that needed me. It was the only way I knew how to define love. Men needed fixing. They had proved that to me over and over again.
I dated my current husband during this time as well. Needless to say, our relationship at that time was neither based on trust nor mutual respect and after only a few months ended painfully and abruptly.
Our story had really began at the school busstop one morning during our 8th grade year. That was nearly 20 years ago, but that is a story for another time. I will dedicate a whole series to that one, don’t worry!
It was during this time that I got pregnant. Not the best of circumstances I can tell you. I panicked! What was I gonna do? I would like to say that the father was happy, but not so. I had no boyfriend, let alone a husband. Their was no father so to speak.
With great regret, I have to tell the truth on this subject, I seriously considered my options. I was afraid I couldn’t succeed at being a single mother of two.
How would I do it. I didn’t have a lot of money. Besides what would everyone think? Of course the stigma of a baby with no father, especially considering the lifestyle I was leading, would be devasting. It was the last nail in the coffin of the wretched woman I had become. My selfishness had reached its highest level.
Looking back, I can’t be sure what made me change my attitude. It had to have been God. He chose me to be the parent of this baby and I guess he was determined for me to see it through. I just knew I was going to be in it for the long run.
I sucked it up and faced those around me of whom I was afraid would judge me. My friends, my family, …God. Of course, he already knew. I wasn’t hiding anything from him. Now I had to tell my parents. Gratefully, there were no accusations, only questions as to the fatherhood of this blessing they would call grandson.
Nine months later God blessed me with my second son and I named him Cade.
